On Sunday night a colleague called me up and asked me what I was doing the next day... My mood was quite off and I didn't feel like talking, lest laugh... And anyway whenever I laugh these days I always end up in a fit of cough! Well my answer was that I wasn't doing anything in particular and he told me that they are all going somewhere and to join them... They are selecting people actually (whom to invite). Then I remembered had to take Mom somewhere and told him that. Anyway told him will let him know in case I was coming over...
Next day I had so many things to do... I smsed him to tell him not to wait for me coz I won't be able to make it. But he called up. I couldn't reply. When I saw his missed call I knew he would try to persuade me to come over. I continued my work and again he called up later. Gosh... Well I didn't know what to do. I simply cannot say 'No!' or let's say I just hate it when I have to give explanations about why I can't make it... Because somehow whatever reason you give, it will sound really futile to the other and will tell me to postpone everything for some other time. But I can't do that. No.
I don't want to make a choice. Coz I have the right to do whatever I want. At least to some extent…
Now I reached home around sevenish and my mood was quite off after some incidents that happened while I was driving. To my disbelief my old friend called me up from USA and I couldn't even speak to him properly coz I was behind the wheels!!! I so wish we could have a small chat!!! I asked him to call me up in half hour but well he didn't call up. But caught up on him on YM. I miss you Dude... Thanks a lot for calling. That was a really really good surprise!
I knew all my colleagues would be mad at me... Well am in a group of guys and we really get along well... They are different from the people I usually mix with. One of a kind. But nice guys. But really I couldn't do otherwise. I couldn't go out with them this time. And I have valid reasons for that.
When I went to work today I knew I would get shit. And I knew they were mad at me. But after some time I just didn't bother. It's up to them to understand that I couldn't come and they should come to terms with that. Even if they decide to stop telling me to join them whenever they go out, that's ok with me... Am the only girl in the group as it is...
I have forgotten my real value... Yeah it's been quite some time now... I haven't been able to bare myself but am doing it today. I don't know my worth anymore. I keep thinking why these people like me... Why they want me around whenever they go out... Am I such good company? I have friends from a lot of places. Some of them I have never met but only got to know them through blogs and chats. But yet, they appreciate me. I wonder why... So far I have never heard that I was boring or whatever... True I admit am quite warm a person and friendly. But that's it... I will run around like a mad dog just to make people happy. True I have been backstabbed a lot many times… Too many actually. But that doesn’t stop me. And I don’t expect anything in return. I know many of my friends will find themselves in what am saying. Maybe that’s why we became such good friends…
I really need some introspection. But somehow I don’t get the time to do that. All I want is to be happy and have peace of mind… Which am unable to get…
My trainer pissed me off today. He caught me off guard with something he said and that pissed me off. I dunno what his problem is. He really has something against me and I seriously dunno what! C’mon man am the 2nd best among the girls in my team and I have proved it to him that he could be wrong about me. Since a couple of weeks I have stayed aloof and if I have a problem I think twice before asking him to help me out. I’d rather do it myself or if I need some reassurance, I ask my other colleagues’ opinions. It’s quite helpful. But that other one is not being too nice. And he knows it.
Coming back to what I was saying before I drifted off, I really dunno what to do… I want to be free. I want to be able to do so many things. I have started late yes. But I couldn’t do otherwise coz of the innumerable bad luck that kept following me. I won’t tread on the past again coz I believe in moving forward. I hope my friend will help me out a bit. Coz am trying. Yes am trying…
I spoke to Sis on Sunday night and I was really relieved. Things are fine and hope she enjoys herself as well… Life is difficult without her around. And even though am working, I do think about what she is doing at some point of time… Am definitely glad that my work keeps me busy. Weekends will be hard again… Will have to find something to do…
It’s past midnight now and am listening to ‘Talk’ by Coldplay. Yeah thinking of Sis and me in the car singing. I pray that she is safe. Coz she can be really clumsy!!! Everything will go fine :o)
I wanna keep writing but right now am running out of words. I wanted to thank someone in Dubai, let’s say I call him Adam, who showed he could be really helpful. We have never met but we’ve been friends since a year now… Generally I really differentiate between acquaintances, friends and colleagues. You must have seen that I mentioned my colleagues as colleagues and not friends. It takes time for me to allow someone to cross the barrier. And well Adam did. Thanks Dude.
Listening to ‘Little by Little’ by Oasis… Nice one…
Will end up on a better note though. Here goes:
'Never argue with an idiot.
For someone may pass by,
and see you arguing,
and not know which one is the idiot.'
