Dunno why suddenly everything seems to be in a rush! Am always in a hurry nowadays!!! And my lifestyle has changed - yet again! So has my system!!! Everything has kinda normalized to a certain extent... Can't say totally... Where there is something positive, there must be the bad side also...

I don’t find time to do anything!!! And that’s really infuriating, maddening, exasperating, irksome and God knows what all !!! Yeah am seeing red nowadays and just the thought of it right now, is making me more frustrated!!! I don’t have time to sit at home and chat with my family. I don’t have time for shopping. I don’t have time to chat. I don’t have time to blog. I don’t have time to read my mates’ blogs. I don’t have time to write mails. I don’t have time to go out. I don’t have time to watch a movie. I don’t have time to sms even!!! Grrrrrrrrrrraaaaaaaaahhhhhhhh!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Ok lemme explain. I was working… I was working at night. And now I have changed my job. No I didn’t get into trouble at my previous job. My work was excellent. I just thought it was not up to my expectations or standard. So finally am back to a place (which I’ve been longing to work since my getting into the IT field) and yes I made it. Well am yet to prove myself but let’s hope for the best. So here I am. Standing tall and walking into my new office. Meeting new faces. And get started with the training. Things are fine. There is a loooot to cram up. So much that my brains actually shut down after 8 hrs of cramming up. And last night was one of those nights where your brain is so tired that you can’t sleep and you are still thinking about your work and still trying to do a recap of the day!!! I start my work at 1pm which means I leave home 15 mins earlier and I reach my place at night at 11pm. Where do I get the time to do things and that too if you tell me to wake up early, that’s what I try to do and try to get some things done. But can’t do that everyday, can I? I need to get some more sleep sometimes. Now that I have to get used to the fact that I sleep at night and work during the day instead of working at night and sleep during the day which I used to do a week back.

Even though I think of Saturday to catch up with my mails and so on, I have to go out and run errands and want to spend time with my family. Coz during the week it’s mostly ‘Good morning, have a nice day and good night’!!! Can’t sit down properly and have a normal chat! Well actually since am in the habit of giving all the details, I don’t get time to do so!!!!!!!!!! How can a summary be the same as a detailed thing????? Now how more frustrating can that be???

See???!!! I just spent 10 mins to write this and already I have to go!!! I need to get ready early coz have to run an errand before going to work!!! I need to get things under control. And I need to do that fast. I have a few plans and need to put them into practice. Hopefully things will come back to the way I want things to be. In my life I mean. Yeah I don’t mean that I have to control everything. But things that can be controlled and that are in my hands. That’s what I meant. Coz life is so unpredictable. And unpredictable things are sometimes welcome for a change! And right now I just need to stabilize certain things and then I don’t mind any other things. Please Friend *looking up* just spare me for a lil while… Pleeeeeease!!!

*humming 'Clocks' by Coldplay*

I’ve got only 20 mins to update after I have to dash out! Nevermind where am going! The point here is what I want to flow out… Yeah that could only be words! And flashbacks. No am not going insane coz I already am! Can’t get worse than this anyway!!!

I want to reset everything in my life right now. Dunno how to do it! I wanna go back to the past and change a few things and relive them again. Too bad things like that don’t happen. One always moves forward. And you better enjoy today to the max coz in a few hours today will be passé… Damn am sooooo… sooooo… shit there is not a single word to describe the mixture of feelings am having in my gut right now. And I seem to have an “expression-block” right now!!! 10 mins to go! Be faaaaast!!!

A colleague of mine lent me some CDs a couple of weeks back and to my utter ‘despair’ and ‘surprise’ and ‘I-dunno-what’ I found myself in a huge outdoor place, with Martin Audios blaring, laser beams on the grass, people in multi-coloured kurtas and wearing beaded necklaces, tattoos and sipping beers and rums and vodkas… I was back to my first Rave night in March 1999. Yeah it happens that I was listening to the exact music my friend P was playing. No need to say I was dancing the whole night till the music faded out. That night was unforgettable and yes, after that I was in all the rave nights that was happening in the city. No I was not on drugs! I was just there for the music. Mind you! Am not talking about psychedelic trance. Am talking about House and Progressive and Tribal music.

Flashback
My ex and I sitting in the pub downing bottles of beers.

Yeah I know so far I sound like an alcoholic or a total junkie! Why am I thinking about my ex so suddenly? Coz sometimes I hear some music and I remember him. I see a few things and I remember him. Someone says something and I remember him. And why is this happening??? Coz he is sending me mails these days. After 2 years he got in touch with me again. God knows why… Well he said he is remembering me. Hmm… Who doesn’t???

Flashback
Ankz and I strolling in PVR and sitting in front of Barista on that fountain. Just talking and talking and talking. He getting bugged by my ciggie smoke (the wind was blowing in his direction!) and trying his best to make me quit! But no... Am a mule so there's no point!!!

Flashback
Ankz, Nids, Dr Saab and I in a pub sipping beer on a Sunday. Nids got high. First time having beer!

I had really great great times with him. We lost touch but I have to mail him. No I don’t want to lose a friend like him. I still have an sms that he sent me on the 31st Dec 2004. Yes I am quite attached to my good friends. I am happy I got to meet him through a common friend. Thought the common friend is out of the picture since a long time, Ankz and I became very good friends. Hope he is leading a blissful life with his other half. She is another very nice person. Innocent and sweet. They sure make a great couple. Guys I really miss you!!!

Flashback
Ankur (another friend) and I walking in V.Vihar Priya. I was heart-broken. Eyes all red and feeling very very low. It was the first time ever that I have heard someone talk bad about me. It was terrible. Specially when I was not at fault and was dpoing something for someone I love. Some other person saw it in a different perspective and told bad things about me. Anyway that's too complicated. I wrote about my emotions in my blog (Feb-Mar 2004) and I was standing in front of Barista with Ankur when my phone rang. It was Sis asking me if I was ok. I lied and said yes. But she read my blog and asked me for explanations. I could not deny it then. And told her. After telling me not to bother about a certain person's opinion, she spoke to Ankur asking him to pull my ears and to cheer up! I felt better after that. We had a mango smoothie and he dropped me home after that. Oh he even got me a Garfield comic book and a container with a lot of miniature cactuses in them!

Flashback
Me walking down the road with my discman. Some guy telling me he wants to be my friend and he's been seeing me everyday in the bus! I dryly replied that I have never taken the bus in my whole life and it was the wrong person! Before I could put my earplugs back and walk away I heard him saying nevermind that but he still wants to be my friend. I said I was not interested and walked off. Further down another one stops me to get my email add!!! I refuse and changed to superior gear!!! This time another guy just staring out of a chemist shop. Happens that he is always standing in the dooway at this time of the evening!!! I kept walking easing my stroll coz I could see my apartment, I see a guy sitting, looking up at me and eating a kulfi stick in a disgustingly suggestive way. Gosh!!! By the time I cross the main road to get to my place, the ice-cream guy in front of my gate, asks me if I will come later to get some ice-creams… I remove my ear-plugs and ask him till what time he will be there. And I walk past the gate to my apartment. Keep saying hello to everyone and have a small chat with an old lady. Keep walking and talk to a young girl. And finally when I reach my gate I find a lady waiting for me. Happens that she stays in the apartment above me and she was asking me if really am into IT. Told her yes and she asked me to solve a problem for her. Which I did in a few words.

Flashback
Me lighting up a fag, dancing to the kitchen and stirring the food I was preparing. Phone rings. Me talking with Coldplay blaring in the background. Speaking to Sis and laughing. After that I see the neighbour’s puppy looking at me past the door. I walk back to the kitchen, open the fridge, take out a slice of Lebon cheese and give it to her. That’s a daily thing. My neighbour peeps out of his door looking for his pup. Asks me if I was free right now to teach him some French. Tell him to come after dinner.

Flashback
A and I lying down on the grass in front of my apart and staring at the stars. Both drunk and talking nonsense! We sit there till 2am and suddenly feel like going to a pub! And there we go… To Gurgaon… On the way back we go to Barista for some coffee. He on the phone with his girl-friend and I having a fag outside with one of the Barista guys. Yeah I was there almost everyday and night and got friendly with the staffs. At some point I go to A and tell him to finish off coz it’s been more than 45 mins since he was on the phone. And I had to go for my class! He drops me home dialling up his gf number while driving off and I shower and get ready to set out again.

Flashback
A comes home with a pathetic bottle of wine. We had the whole bottle on empty stomach. Both of us get drunk. He, clinging to both sides of the door, swaying and singing “Feel”. Me sitting and giggling and singing “Feel’ too. We decide to go bug I . She stays in Green Park. On the way there, we were singing our lungs out in the car. Yeah. “Feel” again!!! We reached her place, got out the car, giggling like idiots. Met her grandparents, go to her room slumped on her bed. I sat between us and A and I got into a funny argument and we started pinching each other. I tries to stop us and finally A and I both end up pinching her!!! We suddenly decide to go eat ice-cream at Mc Do. We tried to walk down to the market. My phone rings. Mr BF. He asks me what I was doing all drunk in the market place. I tell him I wanted to eat something. We chat for a few mins and I see A trying to get himself an ice-cream. I drag him away from the counter and tell him not to have any coz he needs to drive! He’ll get even higher!!! So we end up all 3 in the South Indian restaurant! Say bye to Mr BF and tell him will call him later.

Enuff of it right now… Don’t have the time to carry on… Will do so on my off day.

Ok gotta go now. But before doing so, here's something that will keep us going.
The best quote I came across since long,

“If you can’t get through the mountain, go around it.
If you can’t go around it, go over it.
If you can’t go over it, sit down and ask yourself if getting to
the other side is all that important.
If it is, set about digging a tunnel.”

Cheers to that!

;o)

No excuses… I know I know! That was really bad on my part… But seriously, I really didn’t have the time to do so. I can’t access the net where I work and honestly I try my best to sneak in whenever I can at the cost of getting my ass fried!!!

The change I underwent was most welcome. I got to meet new people, learned about management, made a few allies and foes, and rediscovered my talents. Well it’s like a journey of discoveries and realizations. I make sure that colleagues remain colleagues. Not more… At least for now. I am mixing with people who are in their early 20s and I must admit that even though I try to put myself in their mindset, it really gets on my nerves to see some young adults who behave really abnormally… As usual I hang out more with guys… And it’s better that way. It proved that I seriously cannot get along with girls. Am I complaining??? Haha!!! NOWAY!!!

I am discovering new facets of mine. Yeah. I know what am made of and there are certain things I need to change about myself. Even though I am really outgoing, I can be sickeningly shy at times!!! Aaaargh!!! It gets really frustrating!!! Am too diplomatic also. But sometimes I wait and see before revealing my thoughts. I know am too flexible and am testing my degree of tolerance… Am trying to set a few limits. I need to do that. I feel like exploding sometimes and put some people back in their places. Somehow I manage to do it! And that directly through the Director!!! Ha ha! Lame! I know! And I just love it!!!

I drew my colleague’s portrait last time. And I won the first place coz it was DITTO him. Gosh! I sketched someone after 16 yrs!!! I was really baffled with myself. Wish I had continued with my drawing skills. I used to top my school in art and even did an exhibition of my work once… Sigh… I should do it whenever I got some free time.

It’s been years since I ever saw the sun rise up here. It was amazing!!! So different from Delhi! I used to see the sunrise almost every week and smell that sweetness in the air. Dunno what it is... Delhi has some kind of fragrance that most people cannot make out. It smells sweet. Like burfi(Indian sweets). And the sky is a bright yellow orange in the morning. Here it is bright orange and fluorescent pink! Gosh! It was awesome!!! I was crossing a lake and I could see a range of mountains with a few orange-pink clouds around the peaks. Along with that, a cool breeze flowing and that awesome song “Speed of Sound” playing!!! Gosh! I haven’t enjoyed such simple bliss since so long!!! I know for some people it might mean nothing. Or think I’ve gone nuts! But in case you have never noticed, I do take pleasure in small small things…

A lot of incidents happened this past month, but really I have to sit down and write about it all. Some other time. It’s just that I have some complaints! Hmm… later later… Am just trying to be on the safer side too… One never knows when one comes to know everything, then too much knowing can end up into well-known situations and will end up being known in the wrong way for the wrong reasons!!! Aaaaargh! Go figure what I wrote!!!

I need to go now. Yeah. Hopefully I won’t be gone for the whole month. I really do want to update! I have so much to tell!!! But I just can’t!!! Whenever something happens, am like “Ohhh I have to write about this!!!” BUT I don’t get the time to do so!!! Nevermind… Will find a solution sooner than you might think! *wink* He he he!

Have an awesome day everyone!

Cheers!

SPEED OF SOUND - Coldplay

How long before I get in
Before it starts, before I begin
How long before you decide
Before I know what it feels like
Where to?
Where do I go?
If you've never tried then you'll never know
How long do I have to climb
Up on the side of this mountain of mine

Look up, I look up at night
Planets are moving at the speed of light
Climb up, up in the trees
Every chance that you get
Is a chance you seize
How long am I gonna can stand
With my head stuck under the sand
I start before I can stop
Before I see thing the right way up

All that noise, all that sound
All those places that I have found
And birds go flying at the speed of sound
To show you how it all began
Birds came flying from the underground
If you could see it then you'd understand

Ideas that you'll never find
Or the inventors could never design
The buildings that you put up
Japan and China... all lit up
The sign that I couldn't read
Or the light that I couldn't see
Some things you have to believe
But others are puzzles, puzzling me

All that noise, all that sound
All those places that I have found
And birds go flying at the speed of sound
To show you how it all began
Birds came flying from the underground
If you could see it then you'd understand

All those signs I knew what they meant
Something you can't invent
Some get made, and some get sent
Ooh
Words go flying at the speed of sound
To show how it all began
Birds came flying from the underground
If you could see it then you'd understand
Oh, when you see it then you'll understand

I was driving back home some early evening, around 7pm, when I drew near the red light (not area!!!)… I noticed a guy in weird-looking jeans (not my type at all… ahem…hmm… the jeans) There is a zebra-crossing in front of the red light. But the way he was standing looked kinda odd… Didn’t seem like he would cross the road. Ok maybe he was waiting for the light to turn green so he could walk across… Or maybe he was waiting for someone… I kept looking his way and actually before the car came to a halt, we got to staring at each other. Easy for him to notice me since my car was in the forefront.

I was wondering whether he might be a friend of my Sis coz he looked similar. But something was telling me that we haven’t met. Ok … Now our eye contact was taking longer than it was supposed to be…

There were a few cars behind me. I didn’t pay attention… My eyes were glued to his. I felt an uneasiness sweeping over me. I just knew… Yes I just knew it. To my horror the guy, hands in pockets, bent forward, peered at me, and gave me a broad smile! Fcuuuuuuuk!!!!! My eyes just shot up to the green light, I changed gear and SPED OFF!!!

I couldn’t believe what I just saw!!! I didn’t even dare look in the rearview mirror!!! It’s only after a few yards that I ventured myself do so. And I was not interested in the guy! I was looking at the car behind me!

This was the first time that I actually came across a gigolo here!!! Well I have seen a few gays and transvestites … But this never happened (at least here!!!)… I let out a sigh and kept grinning on my way back home, time and again shaking my head in disbelief…

1 month and not a word… There are different reasons for that. But I won’t write about it. Am here to write just a few things that have been happening with me and well… Things that just happened!

Ok something negative is that someone expired in the family. Couldn’t attend the funeral coz I was stuck somewhere, doing something very important. Didn’t know it would take so long! My parents were worried and even thought that I got kidnapped!!! I actually went for a job interview and well it took me 3 ½ hours of ‘conversation’! It is not surprising now that whenever I go for one it always takes more than an hour… But this long??? Anyhow my mind was roaming around at times, thinking that I wanted to see that person for one last time… But I remember the last time I saw him though. We spoke a lil and he was smiling. So I guess that will remain etched in my memory.

Well after that ‘brainstorming’ kinda interview which left me half dead, I reached home and went out again. By the time I came back I was literally dragging myself up the stairs and collapsed in bed. But somehow still managed to watch a movie without falling asleep in the middle.

One important person called me ‘crazy’. By important I mean some genius but eccentric kinda mind. He had ideas that were quite baffling and that left me in total awe! His questions were weird but straight-forward. And the one word that described me finally, after a colleague of his asked him what he thought about me, was ‘crazy’. That too in my face!!! I really didn’t know how to react to that! But since right from the beginning he had told me that they were actually a bunch of ‘crazy’ people in that place, I took it as a compliment! And thinking about it later, I do admit that he was actually right!

Anyhow after that,life went on for a week and then without warning, took a rather peculiar twist…Peculiar coz nothing happened for 6 months. I mean nothing actually really positive. So after so long, I found the turn it took somewhat unnerving. And it’s still happening. But I just don’t want it to end! I don’t even want to pinch myself coz am scared that it will wake me up and then I’ll realize that it was all just a dream. So I won’t do it!!! No frigging way!!! Call me whatever you want… A chicken or even a duck but I don’t care!!! Okkk am listening to ‘Somewhere I Belong’ by Linkin Park right now so bear with me! The lyrics quite fit my situation actually!!!

Some of you might think that I might have found someone interesting enuff to be part of my life… Some might think I have actually gone nuts!!! But lemme tell you… I have found something much better!

My priorities have changed a lot from the time I have come back to my ‘point of origin’(pun intented). When I was far away from home, I had already conditioned my mind, that things will be really different and that I’d better start preparing myself to the worst so that I don’t find it difficult to adapt myself again. And even though I did have quite a few setbacks, I got immune after some time… Anyway, since a couple of weeks things have started moving like a rollercoaster and it’s real fun!!!

Out of the blue someone called me up and asked about me. I said I was doing so-so and we decided to meet up. After that day there was no turning back. I’ve been out a lot during the week-ends, have come back almost at dawn or have come back early and would end up sleeping at dawn coz we were sitting in the kitchen, eating chicken nuggets and drinking and talking! My parents are getting used to it now. But it’s difficult for them to sleep till the time I don’t get back home. It must have been really tormenting for them for the long span of time that I have been away from the country. Gosh…

I have met a handful of new faces also. Some were bullshitting a lot, some were so hilarious that I would crack up, till my eyes would water, my jaws would hurt and my ribs would seem like they have suddenly developed muscles!!!

I would look at other people (whom I’ve been acquainted with recently) with different eyes. I would see them so ‘hollow’ suddenly… Some males would be real gits and some females would be real bimbos… Others would be too arrogant and act snobbish but somehow a few would be really warm… And either they would be too inquisitive or too cold.

I had lost touch with people in general … Can’t be blamed though. But really I got disappointed that there is a lot of superficiality (is that a word???) all around us. I didn’t set my expectations high though. But still when you see such hollowness around you, you start thinking where are all the ‘others’???

I went out on week-ends, and now I find it difficult to stay idle during the weeks. I try to busy myself somehow. When it came to blogging, I really had a mental block for 3 weeks but now I decided that enuff was enuff, I’d better get my butt moving and write something! Because I love you people! And you know who you are!

I used to feel like giving out an earsplitting scream. I still want to do it but with on different grounds. Won’t say why right now but it will come later. Oh yes I will speak about it for sure. *smirk*

Havta go. Tonight am out again. But with Mom. I wonder what it will be like… And am wondering what to wear!!!

‘Four to the floor I was sure… Never seeing clear… I could have it all …’

Oh and here’s one wise thing:

“When you embark for strange places, don't leave any of yourself safely on shore. Have the nerve to go into unexplored territory.”

“Hi! Can I buy you a drink?”
“No thanks!”
“Why? You’re not thirsty?”
“No!”
“You’ve been dancing for quite a while now.”
“Am used to it!”
Pause.
“Wassur name?”
“Why?”
“Trying to make conversation”
“There’s no point actually.”

The message couldn’t be clearer than that. And he went away but kept staring at me dancing.

This happened some time back. Went to a private party at a disc. I was quite surprised Dad ever allowed us to go! But well we didn’t tell him that we were going to a club. Just said we were going for a party which was in a private club… Well didn’t hide the whole truth after all… *smirk*

I couldn’t stop dancing for an hour and a half. Well that was after a looong time, so in my case it’s understandable!

Otherwise Z, Sis and I went for a movie on Sunday. I went gaga over Sushmita Sen! Maaan this woman is mind-blowingly amazingly droolingly extraordinarily breath-takingly beautiful!!! I guess there is no word to describe her grace. Aaand Kareena’s saris were awesome!!! Specially the purple (is that surprising???) and the orange one. Phew! Gosh! Well the movie was just ok but as you can see I had eyes for these 2 actresses… Ok no am NOT turning gay or something. Am just admiring beauty!!! Anyway S.Sen is my favourite on the planet so…

On Monday since it was a holiday, I went camping with Sis. A good friend of ours came back from England with his wifey for a week. Oh we got along really well with the wife. She is not only sweet and pretty but also there is an air of freshness about her… Maybe she is a bit childlike and yet mature to a certain extent… That’s what’s refreshing… (Hmm reminds me of someone…) The place was really really nice. The sea was right in front of us and we were on the balcony, sipping our drinks and watching the waves. Then we went out to get something to eat around fivish coz none of us had lunch as yet. After doing a round of 3 restaurants we decided to go to a 5-star to get some pizzas and club sandwich. I had a ‘fromagère” (that’s a pizza with 4 different cheeses) and after having it I realized it was too cheesy! Hmm… Even started feeling sick with so much cheese! But thank god after gulping down some water I felt better! I was ready to have hot water to wash down that acidity that was creeping in! I got my quota of cheese for a month I think!

We went back to the bungalow and were waiting for another friend to come. But eventually he never turned up. Everytime we would call him up he would give some excuse or the other but said he would be coming… Tssk… Can’t rely on him after all… So at night we spent our time on the balcony listening to the waves and gazing at the sky which was being lit time and again by lightning. We saw the lightning going in the sea… As if parting the sea…(Moses???) Nature can be quite spectacular at times…

We had dinner around eleven-thirty and since wifey was having some gastric problems she was having some chilled milk to calm down her pain. And a Polo (the mint with the hole!) after that. We went to sleep around 1am.

Sis in the morning woke up early as usual and she didn’t know what to do!!! Everyone else was still asleep! Poor me had to get up early too!!! Coz of the noises she would make!!! And I thought I would get some peace!!! It was so quiet and the sound of the waves were so soothing to my ears that I didn’t feel like getting out of bed at all! But NO! Grrr!!!

Anyhow, I eventually went for a fag and then took a shower, got ready and walked around the bungalow looking for tea!!! But didn’t know which one to take! Finally I heard my friend’s voice and I told him I was hungry and thirsty and to quickly fix me something! We all went downstairs and met his parents. And we altogether had breakfast at 11am!

We headed back home around 11.30. We had around 1 ¼ hrs driving to do. Picked up some ice-cream on the way. My throat was absolutely dry with the heat. Finally reached home and chatted with Mom for some time. My eyes were burning. Lack of sleep as always!!!

Watched a movie called “Elles étaient cinq” (translation ‘They were five’). It was a Canadian movie. A bit disturbing though… So right after that I watched “Swades” in the evening and I must say it’s a good movie.

Otherwise I must admit that this small ‘vacation’ did me some good. I was going bonkers being at home like this. That change of air was a real welcome. Though I wanted to go there on Sunday itself after the lunch we had together. Forgot to mention that. But it’s Sis who decides normally… So we went for a movie at night and the next day when our friend called up, then she made up her mind of going… There’s more to it but I think I shoudn’t talk about it.

I often ask myself a question: Why do people go out?

Is it to show-off? To have a good time? To look for new faces? Look at the crowd? Look for a partner or a one-night stand? What is it? Why do people socialize?

For me it’s to have a good time of course! And if there’s room to shake a leg then even better!!! Am not the kinda person who would like to have a drink at home. I would rather go out to a pub and have a drink, listening to good music in a cosy place, with people around… That’s the kind of environment I need to enjoy my drink and feel good. That’s what I call having a good time.

But the mere fact of staying at home to have a drink is totally ‘unfun’ to me. If it’s at a friend’s place then it’s ok. I need that change of décor. But it would preferably be in a public place.

Now that am growing older, I realize that this is the kinda life it’s gonna be… Damn! I don’t like the hush hush type of socializing. Am not saying I like loud ones! But still you know what I mean. Am just not ready for that yet. I guess it’s due to the fact that I enjoyed a student life till late and that’s why I find it difficult to adjust. But no. You know for someone who has been on the move all the time it is always difficult to sit idle. You cannot disrupt something that’s been so deeply 'anchored' for so long. It’s like asking a talkative person to shut up for an hour!!! He will literally itch to say something!!!

Sis has been trying to change me. But why should I change??? Why doesn’t she??? Either you make a few concessions and adapt yourself to me or you just don’t! So don’t try to change me! I’ve been making concessions since am back! But it doesn’t mean coz am the youngest that I should accept everything!!!

A friend of mine (whom I don’t keep in touch with anymore) scolded me once and told me that I needed discipline in my life and needed a routine! I loathe routines!!! She used to get up, go for her classes, come back home, watch tv, stare at the wall for sometime (coz she had nothing else to do!), nap, eat, watch tv and sleep! Can you imagine doing that everyday??? Every single day? Maaan I would die!!!

I met her a couple of days later and told her that I didn’t believe she liked the kinda life she was leading. Guess what she told me? She envied my way of life. My mouth dropped open!

She told me she wanted to be free, live life on her own terms, take her own decisions, know her own limits… Well lots of girls living with their parents face this kinda situation. But why did she tell me to get a routine??? I knew my limits, I knew what to do and I could go out any time I felt like without any problems. I was relying on my own self. I was my own master. Yet this has changed today.

My friend used to talk about her last outing which dated more than 10yrs old. She had gone for Big Mountain’s concert in Kyoto. After that nothing exciting happened to her. And my friend and I were sick and tired of her repetitive story and we knew each and every detail of it! We could have told the story to anyone else and it would have seemed that we were with her at the concert!!! Finally I managed to coax her grandparents to let her come spend a night at my place. And we all ended up in my usual pub! She had the best night ever since 10 yrs! And yes we stayed till the end (as usual)!

Today we don’t speak. No I didn’t do anything to her. Actually I made her become more outgoing than she actually was. Everytime we would go for a stroll instead of being at her place all the time. And I used to tell her that I wanted a fag that’s why we had to go out all the time. We just couldn’t talk properly with the grandparents around! But finally I understood when finally she didn’t want to keep in touch with me anymore. You got a glimpse of what happened. How can someone be an honest friend when she envies you?

Anyhow, I do think about her sometimes. I wonder what she is doing… Whether she got married or not… No I won’t contact her. I don’t want to be a botheration after all… And I don’t like asking for explanations. If somebody can do something, he will do it with his own free will. If I see someone is not interested in keeping in touch, I won’t bother him. I don’t expect much from anyone anymore. Coz I learnt my lesson in the hard way.

Ok it’s been a long entry! I do feel like writing some more today but I don’t think I will have enough time to do so. I might continue tomorrow. But I don’t promise anything.

Till then, aim as high as you can. Don’t let anything limit your faith.

;o)

My 16-year-old dog died yesterday. Can you believe it??? This is the 2nd death am talking about since January and we're ONLY in March!!! What's happening for God's sake???

Having a dog for so long is like losing another family member. Was I sad? Well... yeah... The fact that I had been away for so long made the distances grow but still he was the dog I used to feed and give a bath to whenever I was there.

Am wondering what's happening here. I mean in my life. These situations are bringing up another introspection. My psyche is shaking right now. My ears (specially the right one) is like a live drummer! I mean I often feel like someone is playing drums inside!!! Damn irritating!!!

Now again my right eye has not improved. In the morning again I have to lift up my eyelid to open it coz it's stuck to my eyeball!!! And I find it painful to move it from left to right! I try to do it though so that it doesn't stay like that!

I have a feeling am jinxed!!! I feel like smashing something in fate's face out of frustration and rage.

The other day I felt like someone was pinching my heart with his fingers. Yes it was very physical. I was crying at that time coz I was hurt. And the hurt was so bad that this is what I felt. I was wondering if I was going to have a heart attack... Am certainly going to end up having some major heart problems later. I already have one as it is...

What else?

Today I cooked some food at home. For my family. It felt good. I knew Mom and Dad would feel hungry by the time they come back home and I was right. They were both happy. And told me that I should do it more often till the time I get a job.

I gave an egg and some milk to my other dog - a bitch actually. Poor thing has gone all quiet since yesterday afternoon. Yeah am giving her lots of love and go downstairs and play with her and jump around with her like an idiot. She likes chasing me around! And eventually licks my nose or my leg! She has to!!! She just can't stop herself!!! And I don't mind it.

I went to attend a course yesterday. Well yeah am trying to become a 'connoisseuse' in something. We call that something 'alcohol' actually! That's the only ray of light that's happening right now. I came back home listening to "4 to the Floor" and a lil light-headed. I admit that am finding this light-headedness a lil comforting. And I felt like having some more. But I need to control these kinds of dangerous needs. It can be fatal. But a glass of wine a day is healthy!!! Every time I finish my class (that's once a week btw) I feel like going to the market to get myself a bottle! Some wines are reaaally good! And I love the fact that whatever you eat (specially Brie cheese or Roquefort on crackers) after having a sip, blends so wonderfully with the after-taste of the wine. Sublime!

My favourite is white wine. Never had too much liking for reds but now I can say that I don't mind a Shiraz or Syrah or a Pinot or even a Cabernet Sauvignon! It might seem like am talking Chinese to some but these are one of the best wines. In case you go to a party or restaurant, try those. That too the reds should be served between 12-16 degrees celcius ideally.

Am gonna be at home only today (there is no surprise to that!) How strange! Or actually how ironical. For a few years it was the opposite. I would almost never be at home. And it was so surprising whenever it happened. Some people would even ask me if I was sick! Now it's like it's a miracle if I ever go out.

I can see the light of my spirit going dimmer day by day.

Am I slowly dying here?

Life is like a song. Which tune are you singing?

I want to express my gratitude to all the fantastic people out there. People I can call ‘my friends’. I went through a sad phase but now am fine. Thanks a lot for checking out on me and for being patient.

Am doing fine now. Well besides the fact that I do dream of my Grandpa a lot and whenever I go to my Uncle’s place I feel the place empty even though there are people around… Well you know what I mean…

Well what’s been happening otherwise? Well lots of frustrations and tears and rage have been flowing a lot. Like a stream that has no depth… Suddenly the water level rises, and the flow increases, carrying all the dead leaves at a threatening speed… Eventually leaves turn into a wild tornado. Some of the leaves drown, some of them go flying in all directions and some of them land on the banks in tatters…

I dunno why I chose this metaphor. That’s the first thing that came to my mind though. Anyhow, the flow has calm down a bit but it’s still moving at an incredible speed. And I feel that it will take some time to reach the final destination… The ultimate waterfall…

I went to the cemetery to take my Grandpa’s ashes. I was amazed by the whole thing. This is the first time that I did such a thing. I bought a beautiful flower for the last rite. Yes it was painful. I was very moved to see my Uncle spreading the Indian soil with his remains. Yes my Granpa was Indian. And since he couldn’t go back to see his family one last time, he had taken some of the soil back with him on his last visit to India. Something that will remain engraved with me for the rest of my life. Patriotism, the love of one’s land is indeed a ‘beyond description’ thing.

The next day of the cremation I got a call that I was selected to work in a company (for which I had given an interview a couple of weeks before). Was I happy? Oh I was over the moon!!! I followed an intensive training for a week but I knew already that I wouldn’t be working there. It just wasn’t my field. I was heavy-hearted for some time but well I didn’t give up.

I spent time reading Dan Brown’s books. Yeah after the “Da Vinci Code” I went to the bookshop and bought all his novels!!!

I had problems with my eyes… I still do. I have a severe infection in both eyes and I was advised to stay off contact lenses for 2 weeks at the least. Have to go back for another check-up in 2 weeks to see if there are any improvements. The guy told me am allergic to my own substances!!! Now how does that sound??? Am allergic to myself!!! Ha ha ha! That was really funny. Ok am being sarcastic. But seriously!!! How bad can that be??? My eyes are reacting to my eye… hmm… how do you call that? Fluids??? You got the point, didn’t you? Baffling but true! Let’s see if I start getting used to ‘myself’ yet again!!! I guess that will be after the waterfall… Where calmness prevails again. That’s what am wishing for.

I was in a dilemma… Still am. My friend advised me to be selfish for once. Am still pondering on that. But am trying other ways. Being selfish will be my last resort. No it won’t be too late. I know what am doing. And am sure am taking the right steps. At least for myself. Yeah I am being selfish to some extent. By not doing something that I don’t believe in. But I don’t call it direct refusal. I call it delaying. If there is no alternatives, then I will have to do the thing that I don’t believe in… Sigh… Sometimes I wonder why do we set up our own principles…

Yesterday I got a call from someone I haven’t spoken to for 7 years!!! Amazing!After 4 years of silence, I searched for her, sent her a mail(was quite nervous about it). She replied!!! But after a few mails again no more contacts. But last night she called me up and told me she is on vacation here for a while and she thought of calling me up. We first met during my first year in college. That too under dramatic circumstances! After our first meeting we became thick pals. But the sad part is that she had to leave after a few months. She was through with her studies. But we had a loooot of fun together and lots of hilarious moments! I will go meet her for sure and catch up with her. :o)

My eyes are burning. Yeah I shouldn’t sit in front of the pc for too long also. For someone who used to sit for 18hrs in front of the monitor… I can’t even sit for more than half hour!!! Should I laugh or cry I wonder!!! Naaah am being a sport. Am ok really. I want to be better soon so that I can wear my contacts again!!! Hi hi hi!

Hugs to you all! :o)