Didn't realize that it's already been 2 months since I wrote my last entry… Every weekend I would say I will just do it or on Saturday I would say I will write something the next day but somehow it just doesn't happen. I miss my blog. It's part of me. I wish I could say whatever I wanted. Feel free to express myself the way I used to. But things have changed… Too many things have changed...


I don't have time to myself. I don't have time to think. I can't enjoy a moment alone with a fag. I can't cry coz am considered weak after that. I can't really refuse to go out coz after that I get to face coldness and harsh words. I can't do what I want. I can't go out alone without feeling guilty even though I am not doing anything wrong. I can't confide in anyone because of gossips. I can't talk to anyone at home coz I will be misunderstood.  

It's hard to be a parent. It's hard to be a daughter and a sister too. You need to understand that I have a life also. Of my own. That I have grown up to an adult. I can take my own decisions bearing in mind a lot of things all the time. I break my back the whole week and come back home exhausted every night. I encourage myself not to give up by thinking that on Saturday I will have a nice relaxing time. A well-deserved one. I am stressed to the core. There is no understanding. No way of talking. Even if am listened to, is it all pretence? Who is true to me? Who? Thought I could confide and have an ally in someone but it turned out that it's  impossible. I am judged. Or I need to give a reason for my actions all the time. Why is it that nobody understands that it is MY wish? Coz I feel happy if I do something? Why do I make everyone happy and when it comes to making myself happy I need to give a reason for that? Has anyone ever thought that I have a life too? That too a life spent in working my ass off, being sad and frustrated coz I can't be happy the way I wish I could? Am not a teenager anymore. I don't deserve to be humiliated also. <> 

I have a back that hurts. A neck that hurts badly every night and every morning. Sometimes I wish I could do things but I can't. I don't have that energy left anymore coz I am exhausted by the job I do. I live in fear, doubts, pain and apprehension. Whenever I feel happy am scared. Coz I know I will face pain again. I have started doubting the existence of God. I have started doubting a lot of things. A lot of persons. Am bottling-up too many things. Can't confide in anyone. The best thing to do is keep things to yourself and pretend everything is fine. Pretend that you are happy. Just pretend. And make yourself believe that things are fine. Then it will be easier for you to live in this world where you are judged and where you can't cry because you are sad. You don't have the right to 'feel'. Just be on automatic gear. Smile all the time when inside you are bleeding and desperate to find a friend in someone coz you can't carry the burden alone.

Enuff said.  Yes I am sad right now.  Yes I am tired right now.  That's my state of mind and  state of life right now. Whether both will improve I dinno.  Be positive? I can't. Am neutral right now.  Pain has numbed me...